A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
