I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I've blown a few things in my day
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
