i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
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