how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
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I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
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Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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