Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
