My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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