You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
