She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
