I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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