Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Just invented taco cereal.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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