I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
