the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
