i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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