So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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