They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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