i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
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