Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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