This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
