you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Randomize
