4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Randomize
