the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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