I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
