i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
