THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
