Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
