this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I lost the right to judge tonight
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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