I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
