Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Randomize
