Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Randomize
