he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
