dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
