So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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