I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
