i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
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How's work?
Spinning.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize