The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize
