Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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