just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
