At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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