Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
