Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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