On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
