Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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