Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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