I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
