He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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