Hey I don't know if you will get this but all I know is you are so beautiful to .ee and? I dare anyone to stop me me from caring for you ante so beautiful so I kid you not gorgeous iyoiu are so beautiful to me i dare som.eone too stioo you
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Randomize
