I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
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Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
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This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
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