I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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