I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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