While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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