I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
