Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
