none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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