Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
