I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
