Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
