I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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