so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I would ride that face into the sunset
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
