my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
