Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
